I seem to remember being just drug-addict junkie hooked on “Yellowstone.” I am, of course, talking about the hit Paramount TV modern Western. Not the solemn one-word diagnosis from our state Sen. Scott Wilk’s last physical.
“Yellowstone” is sort of a “Godfather,” only set in the saddle. Kevin Costner plays John Dutton, the patriarch of a modern ranching family that is falling apart. He owns the largest spread in Montana and fights, on the quarter hour, to keep villains from destroying the homestead and Western heritage. Off-screen, there’s been more feuds than on. Rumor is Costner’s not returning to finish the season.
In the midst of this wildly popular show, the creator, Taylor Sheridan, has been churning out sequels and prequels. One needs a Rosetta Stone to keep track of the dozens of major-to-minor characters and how they’re related to the modern Yellowstone Ranch/Dutton family. Most shows are titled with simple dates, like 1883, 1923, 1933, 1944 and one in the works for the 1960s.
In a worldwide exclusive, I have obtained a list of seven “Yellowstone” spin-offs that will be later released, like, tomorrow, with several hundred more to follow next week. Obviously, like making a Xerox of a Xerox of a Xerox of a Xerox, quality may suffer. Here now, a peek at the new “Yellowstone”-inspired programs —
1) “YELLOWSTONE, 16,666, B.C.” — Stars Robert DeNiro as Oofty-Dooton, the original caveman patriarch of the ranching family. Interestingly, DeNiro was actually born in 16,666 B.C., but did all the stunts of riding wooly mammoths (which are played by elephants wrapped in afghans. The soft blanket. Not the hard-to-please war-happy Central Asian hillbillies). Show producers are touting the epic caveman violence with their marketing campaign of, “Oofty Puts The ‘Nasty” in ‘Dynasty.’” DeNiro fights his family’s attempts to move the Pleistocene-era ranch from just hunting, to hunting, gathering AND killing people who annoy him, which, knowing DeNiro, is pretty much everybody.
2) “YELLOWSTONE, 1455” — Ancient relatives of the Dutton family are blown off course by a powerful storm while sailing to France for vacation. They land in Montana. The Dark Age Duttons start a ranch breeding the last two prehistoric giant elk and battle Native Americans (whose pronouns were, “Pre-Native Americans”). Then, all of a sudden, another storm kicks up, this one even bigger than the first. This medieval Climate Change Event blows in two warring armies from England’s historic War of the Roses into Montana. The Duttons must now battle the houses of Lancaster and Tudors, who are fighting the Yorks. Elizabeth Dutton (played by hubba-hubba golfer/super model Paige Spiranac, whose lusty picture Signal Editor Tim Whyte refuses to add to this column). Elizabeth/Paige stars as Beth Dutton’s great aunt to the 123rd power. Liz/Paige falls in love with Rip Thy Codpiece, Earl of York, who invents the York Peppermint Patty and is killed for it. Worse, an evil elkhand feeds the patties to the two endangered elk, who die, because elk, like the elderly, are chocolate intolerant.
3) “YELLOWSTONE, 1860” — Civil War hostilities arise when half the cowhands adopt an annoying and affected Southern accent a la the Warner Bros. cartoon giant rooster, Foghorn Leghorn. Early report from the set is that half the cast — the ones without the faux Dixie accent — are upset because the Confederate cast members are getting nearly three times the screen time with their slow, “… uhhhh, pah-done me, Mistuh Pahdnah, would all y’all be a darlin’ and pass me yon lariat there all y’all and some sweet tea?” line delivery. The SPCA is boycotting this series (produced by Alec Baldwin) as lots of cattle, one whiny assistant director, three caterers and some wives on the set were killed in a three-week series of accidental Civil War cannon explosions.
4) “YELLOWSTONE, THE VIEW” — Special one-episode season where current cast shoots everyone, several times, on the popular albeit bile-filled ABC Female-Elephant-Seals-Posing-As-Panelists daytime TV talk show. Then, the Duttons drive all the annoying View co-hosts to “… the train depot …” and you know what that means.
5) “YELLOWSTONE, 2018, GAME OF COWS” — Series begins two weeks before original “Yellowstone” episode aired in June 2018. Rustlers are suspected of incinerating the skimpy Dutton herd. Hapless Jamie finds a bottomless pit on the ranch that’s actually a time portal where giant, fire-breathing dragons fly out to torch bovines. In a PTS moment, son Kayce Dutton slaughters the dragons, plus, an entire passel of colorful SciFi/Fantasy karate/warrior guys. Rip is falsely accused by Tiffany, a yangy SPCA/animal rights activist (played by Jane Fonda). Rip beats up the aging starlet, throwing her body into the bottomless pit. In a tense nail salon/cowboy bar fight, Rip’s wife, the unhinged jealous Beth Dutton, beats up the gigantic eyebrowed blonde queen Daenerys Targar (Emilia Clarke) because, well, Beth’s a violent, mentally unbalanced drunk, isn’t she?
6) “YELLOWSTONE, LATE LAST NIGHT” — In a bold and avant garde cinematic undertaking, this is simply a 60-minute weekly show filming the “Yellowstone” cast while they sleep after a hard day of ranch work and killing people. Show brings back Dutton patriarch Kevin Costner, as shooting schedule will not interfere with his now less-busy, and, non-married life.
7) “LAW & ORDER, YELLOWSTONE SPECIAL COWBOYS UNIT” — In partnership with “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, this is a modern, “woke” look at ranch hands who have had their feelings hurt while riding herd or getting pec branded with a giant “Y.” Stars Wes Bentley (Jamie Dutton on current show) as the ranch attorney who has suffered from hurt feelings himself and who must litigate restitution from current harsh and uncaring ranch owners, Beau and Lavonne Dutton (played by Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart). Tensions arise when Lavonne, who is French, tries to build a canned Cowboy/Parisian chili empire, using, hock, ptooey, ewe-ick, horse meat, and, worse, goat cheese…
Earth’s most prolific satirist, John Boston, lives here (on a cave ranch) in Santa Clarita. Look for (then buy) his upcoming new book, “The Unauthorized Autobiography of Joe Biden” at his website, johnbostonbooks.com.
