If you carry your cell phone in your back pocket, you know what a butt dial is. I had a butt dial two days ago that almost defies belief. Turning my phone on to see who I had errantly called, I heard it ringing. To my disbelief, when my call was answered, I heard a sleepy voice say, “Biden speaking.” The following is a transcript of my conversation with the president.
Me: President Joe Biden … is this really you?
Biden: Who is this and why are you calling so early? What time is it?
Me: My name is Larry Moore and I’m calling from California where it is 8 a.m.
Biden: 8 a.m. is when I usually wake up so I’m right on schedule.
Me: But President Biden, isn’t it 11 a.m. at the White House?
Biden: I get so confused with these time zones. There should be one time zone for the whole world.
Me: I’m not sure that would work. By the way, where is the first lady this morning?
Biden: You mean Dr. Jill Biden? She’s a doctor, you know. I believe she’s delivering a baby this morning.
Me: (To myself) I thought she was a doctor of education. (To Joe) Mr. President, I’ve heard you recently speak about the success of Bidenomics. Can you briefly explain Bidenomics to me?
Biden: I’m not really sure I understand it myself. From what my advisors have told me, the U.S. has an unlimited supply of money. Paper is cheap. All we have to do is print more money, especially bills with lots of zeros.
Me: Is that how you’re going to pay for canceling student debt?
Biden: Exactly. Why should some kid who has spent the last four years studying feminism in the 19th Century be saddled with over $100,000 in debt?
Me: Speaking of not fair, my wife has a pretty bad Amazon habit and she has racked up a huge credit card bill. Can you help me with that?
Biden: According to Bidenomics, your wife’s Amazon spending is actually a good thing. It helps the economy of our good buddy, China.
Me: Are you kidding me? Will you cancel our credit card debt?
Biden: Consider it done. You are a Democrat, aren’t you?
Me: Yes sir, liberal to the bone.
Biden: Good. Bidenomics is not for the ultra MAGA crowd.
Me: Mr. President, while I still have you on the line, can I ask you one more question?
Biden: Just one. I think my breakfast is ready.
Me: Mr. President, what is the latest you’ve heard from your buddy, Chairman Xi?
Biden: Funny you should ask. He and I recently exchanged gifts. I sent him a new Corvette ZO8, a damn fine machine.
Me: And what did he send you?
Biden: I’ve always wanted one of the Terracotta Warriors. It would look good in the Oval Office. Funny thing, when I got the box from China, it was a very small box. He sent me a cheap replica. There was also a bag of white powder in the box. I was so disgusted that I put the box into a cabinet in the West Wing.
Me: (To myself) Mystery solved. (To Joe) Thank you for being so refreshingly candid with me, Mr. President.
Biden: Transparency is my middle name. (Noise in the background.) Dr. Jill, is that you? How did the delivery go?
Dr. Jill Biden: WHAT?!