Recently, President Joe Biden surprised the planet and agreed to debate former President Donald Trump in two televised meetings. Supposedly, one is in June and one is in September. A White House spokesman announced there were many details and stipulations to be ironed out for the first verbal conflict, which will be held on the communist-leaning CNN. Here are the Democratic demands below:
LOCATION: At President Biden’s beach, in Delaware. The White House is asking that Joe be allowed to wear his old lifeguard trunks and Trump (no microphone) must stand chest-deep in the surf for the entire two hours. In an orange prison jumpsuit. If it’s raining at the beach that day, location will shift bedside to Biden’s hospice.
MODERATORS: Hunter Biden, Stormy Daniels, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Rachel Maddow, Adam Schiff, James Carville and the unhinged and diminutive actor, John Leguizamo, will make up the neutral panel of journalists. Critics point out that the format of all eight moderators screaming accusations simultaneously at Trump is unfair as is Biden’s taking the same pre-screened query of, “More ice cream, Mr. President?”
ENTRANCE: Instead of walking on stage to his podium, Joe will enter in a straitjacket attached to a dry cleaner clothes conveyor belt.
QUESTIONS FOR TRUMP: These will be limited to the following: 1) “Yes or No: Do you still beat your wife?” 2) “Yes or No: How many people did you personally murder on Jan. 6?” 3) “Using only mime-like gestures, demonstrate why you hate Black people, Hispanics, gays and young people?” 4) “You’re a liar.”
QUESTIONS FOR BIDEN: These will be limited to the following: 1) “Beloved Dear Leader, how come you’re so nice?” 2) “Just how did you lower gas prices nationally to under 30 cents a gallon?” 3) “What about that error on your birth certificate, which should read you were born in 1985?” 4) “So how much did we make selling our aircraft carriers to China and why will that lead to world peace?”
ABSOLUTELY VERBOTEN/NO-NO QUESTIONS/TOPICS FOR JOE BIDEN: Anything on the economy; inflation; open borders; 100,000-plus attacks on law enforcement in the past two years of his presidency; cutting off arms shipments to Israel; billions unaccounted for in U.S.-sent Ukraine funds; the $139 Quarter-Pounder with Cheese; a seeming overabundance of crooks, mooncalves, imbeciles and perverts in the Democratic Party; homelessness; crime; Hamas taking over the nation’s university campuses; flying in Hamas and Hezbollah and making them U.S. citizens with the right to vote (three times); Corn Pop; illegal aliens being paid to stay in five-star hotels; you and your dope-infused whore-chasing son Hunter taking millions in bribes from the FBI’s Most Wanted; paying Iran to develop nuclear weapons; Afghanistan; Afghanistan-Bananastan; abortion up to 12 years after birth; and, How Come You Walk Funny?
GUEST APPEARANCE: White House will unleash annoying enviro-teen, Greta Thunberg, to run on stage and attack President Trump during opening remarks with Rainforest Green crayon.
WARDROBE: Shawl for Joe.
WARDROBE, PART II: White House demands Donald Trump show up dressed as Fred Flintstone for entire debate, plus, must answer all questions with, “Yabba-dabba-DOOO!!” or will be tried in New York City, Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco, Portland and Washington, D.C., for standing next to someone who was thinking about buggery and treason.
CATERING: Break every 15 minutes for Joe’s squished peas and carrots.
MORE CATERING: Ice cream bar for Biden and impartial CNN moderators to dine while Donald Trump is giving plans to save Dumpster Fire America from nutjob Democrats.
TECHNICAL: President Biden and staff to be given a four-hour tape delay to properly edit his daft and mumbled responses.
TECHNICAL, PART II: Teleprompter for Joe, in yard-high type, for when Trump delivers death-blow zinger. Teleprompter will read “‘I know you are but what am I?’ (laugh affably).”
TECHNICAL, PART III: Teleprompter for Joe, in yard-high type, to remind president: “CRIPES YOU OVAL OFFICE MUTTONHEAD, DO NOT SAY — OUT LOUD — ‘LAUGH AFFABLY …’”)
SUPPORT STAFF: Robert De Niro to take place of President Biden as De Niro screams hysterically, with more verve and passion.
MORE SUPPORT STAFF: White House staffer to stand behind Joe to slap his hands away when he starts to pull his pants off.
YET MORE SUPPORT STAFF: A different White House teenage beauty queen staffer/intern to stand next to Joe and have her hair laced with smelling salts and lean next to Joe every five minutes to keep him awake.
COMMERCIAL BREAKS: Every three minutes so that President Biden can be given 16-ounce injections of Vitamin B-12, caffeine, nicotine and sugar, along with Hunter’s stash of cocaine and methamphetamines.
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE ENTERTAINMENT: Instead of the usual prescreened answers to softball questions provided by CNN, the Twyla Tharp Dance Company and The San Francisco Dog Pony Soldiers Men’s Chorus will perform short interpretive modern dance routines.
MORE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE ENTERTAINMENT: When Joe fumbles a response, curtains will part and Hollywood will provide an extravaganza Super Bowl halftime show in lieu of the president’s answer.
DEBATE EXIT STRATEGY: At debate’s end, Joe will walk from podium to face large drape in back of set and become entangled. George Clooney stuntman will enter and grab POTUS from behind. Two will climb aboard a large refrigerator dolly and be rolled off stage, accompanied by nursery school transgender pole dancers.
President Biden will wave and, remembering his lifeguard years, grin and mimic the breaststroke.
The Santa Clarita Valley’s John Boston is the most prolific satirist in world history. Pick up his “Unauthorized Autobiography of Joe Biden” at johnbostonbooks.com.
