Gary Horton | Donald Trump, Pet Protector

Gary Horton
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Readers may remember the iconic Jim Carrey movie, “Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.” Funny because of its outlandishness, aspects of that movie continue in pop culture even today. 

OK, admittedly, what comes next is too easy a target.  

When the Republican candidate for president of the USA descends into unsubstantiated immigrant pet-eating fear mongering, we know we’re in pathetically sad leadership territory. 

Embedded in his rebuttal to having killed the bipartisan Border Protection Act, after first again fixating on his rally sizes, Trump excitedly exclaimed, “A lot of towns don’t want to talk about it because they’re so embarrassed by it. In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs. The people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating — they’re eating the pets of the people that live there. And this is what’s happening in our country. And it’s a shame.” 

When the moderator said the pet story was fabricated, Trump protested, “But the people on television say their dog was eaten by the people that went there.” (It must be true; I saw it on TV!). God save us. 

Donald Trump, Pet Protector.  

In 2024 we have a candidate who’ll protect our pets from the pet-eating savagery so prevalent that American towns are too ashamed to even speak of it. What a twist on the usual Trumpian “everyone is saying …” Instead, this time, “No one is talking about it, they’re too ashamed.” Except that the mayor of the town he referenced formally stated no one is running around eating Fido or Cuddles. 

What a sad day when this is what an American political debate looks like. Fear-baiting listeners with pet-eating aliens. That guy who washes your car? Or the lady who cleans your house? Look out, it could all be a front for eying your animal’s size and flavor. How much lower can we go? 

Lower still. 

Ever since he refused to accept photographic evidence that Barack Obama’s inauguration crowd size was (much) larger than his, overstating crowd size has been a Trump obsession staple. Per the debate, “People don’t leave my rallies. We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics. That’s because people want to take their country back. Our country is being lost. We’re a failing nation.” 

Never one to be short on superlatives, Trump reinforces the faith of the faithful with fanciful faith patches. Always, “the biggest, the best.” Why of course, except that facts get in the way. The faithful have no use for facts when “alternative facts” support alternative realities. Yeah, Trump may throw some pretty good rallies, but must we always exaggerate? And there’s also the nice touch of calling the Greatest Nation on Earth, the largest economy by far, the strongest military by multiples, “a failing nation.” A spoonful of fear makes the manipulative medicine go down.

Trump’s banging points were plainly, protecting our pets from ravenous immigrants, defending his crowd size, and hurling crass insults at half the people who’ve worked for him, insulting immigrants again, and the replayed ad infinitum, 78 rpm oldie, “Make America great again.” I’m not sure how many times it will take to make us great again but we’re going to make American great again, again. Did he say it enough again? 

Not fully outdone on the race to debate debasement, Kamala Harris certainly featured her debased moments and misrepresentations. Asked a pointed and plain question at the debate opening, “When it comes to the economy, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago?” Harris pulled what will go down as a true textbook rehearsed answer of 100% question avoidance. Fill two minutes with anything but a direct answer and hope like hell your opponent doesn’t call you on it. Began Harris, with her two-minute gauzy homey monologue, “So, I was raised as a middle-class kid. And I am actually the only person on this stage who has a plan that is about lifting up the middle class and working people of America.” Followed by “blah, blah, blah.” 

If I hear this kind of tripe any more my sole functioning ear will also go deaf! Could have been Bill Clinton’s “a kid from Hope.” Obama’s “raised by a poor working-class mom.” Or George W. Bush’s folksy ranch living. Ugh. Whatever, Harris dodged the bullet, set a trap for Trump, who again went fear-based with immigrants stealing all our jobs. You know, those high-paying, produce-picking, meat-processing, janitorial your kids are hoping for out of school and college.  

These aren’t debates. These are hosted death-match spin contests behind podiums instead of inside MMA rings. America may have gotten a view of who was quicker on their feet, this time the reverse of seeing Trump humiliate Joe Biden, but neither truth nor policy was reasonably served to our electorate. 

We can call these spin-room matches, but don’t call them debates. 

And then there was the time Mitt Romney got hammered for sticking his pet dog in a carrier cage on the roof of his station wagon during family vacations. He never quite lived that pet abuse meme down. Americans are sensitive about their pets. In his crazy pet-eating fixation, Trump may have just pulled a Romney and stepped in it himself, and fatally so. Joe Biden lost his job in his spin match with Trump. Trump may have just lost his with Harris. 

Blame it on the dog. 

Gary Horton’s “Full Speed to Port!” has appeared in The Signal since 2006. The opinions expressed in his column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Signal or its editorial board.

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