I shan’t shed a tear over the Colorado Rockies 21-0 loss recently to San Diego. After all. The Padres were on a sugar high from getting a new pope. It’s to be expected. I’d chalk up the Cirque du Soleil clownish ineptitude and league-leading worst record to Colorado being a blue state. But then, how would you explain the Dodgers? Or, year after year, the Yankees?
There’s a joke going around: “Colorado is under investigation for taking performance-diminishing drugs.”
As of press time, the Rockies are 8-42. Unless there’s several major and fatal team bus accidents that leave Colorado as pro baseball’s last living franchise, it doesn’t look good for the Rockies to make the playoffs. Not in Major League Baseball. Not in all-girls second-grade T-ball and that’s if they salted the roster with bearded dudes in pigtails and Minnie Mouse pink baseball cleats.
Being nostalgic, I must confess. I’m worried that the Rockies could overtake my favorite pro baseball loser of all time — the 1899 Cleveland Spiders.
Former Hart principal (back when they were the Indians) Laurrie Strauss, played for them. Kidding. But the Spiders do still hold the record for futility, amassing the last season of the 19th century with just 20 wins and 134 losses — finishing 84 games out of first. This may open old wounds for some of you, but, may I add — just like Kamala Harris?
With a little luck, like a bunch of illegal alien Tren de Aragua gang members on bicycles shooting up the Centennial State ballclub’s franchise apartment complex, the Disaster in Denver could own the worst record in baseball history. By the way? Tren de Aragua? Translation? “Can hit to right with more alacrity, accuracy and fierceness than the starting nine AND Alzheimers-stricken coaching staff of lost ColoRocks…”
The Cleveland Spiders earned their name because of their then-new black-and-grey team uniforms of 1889. Apparently, management eschewed feeding their players and the resulting fashion statement made the offending emaciated horse-hiders look like, well — spiders. A Cleveland sports writer of the day, Elmer Bates, penned an early Top 10 list, describing how fans should look on the sunny side of their team’s abject wretchedness. Elmer’s Examples:
“1) An occasional victory is a surprise and a delight;
“2) There’s no danger of any club passing you;
“7) Defeats do not disturb one’s sleep;”
And, my favorite —
“10) You are not asked 50 times a day, ‘What was the score?’ because people take it for granted that you lost.”
Pro baseball is divided into the Modern Era and the Pleistocene Epoch, when they used wooly mammoths instead of umpires. Old-time baseball’s time clock ended in 1899 and present-day records started in 1900. The worst modern team was the 1916 Philadelphia Athletics. They won a comparatively healthy 36 games and were the victims of just dumb bad luck and thousands of bad bounces in their 117 losses. The most recently wretched were the 2018 Baltimore Orioles. They went a poo-tinky 47-115, a respectable 61 games out of first. Next year? The 2019 Detroit Tigers pretty much equaled that, going 47-114, or, a blink out of first at 54 games back. Cripes. You can just feel them breathing down your neck.
Longest losing streak? That belongs to the 1889 Louisville Colonels at a mere 26 games. The modern time losing record is 23 failures in a row. Tip of the cap to the ’61 Phillies for that mark in futility.
Last I looked, the Rockies had eight wins. It’s a long way to September and to notch the crown for the most preposterously, staggeringly stinky lowest season victories is still mathematically doable, especially if the Colorado boys take the field in wheelchairs or stilts. Again.
Actually, I’d attend more Rockies games if the Denverites played without gloves or maybe with bowling balls glued to their fingers. That’d be for both in the field or at the plate.
I think I could help out the Rockies’ front office with such crackerjack ideas as, “Gorilla Suit Night.” I’m not talking about the fans wearing gorilla suits. I’m talking about all the players donning the costume du ape. Gorilla suits can be expensive, so we could trim the idea back a little. Just have each game’s starting pitcher wear a gorilla suit. To make it interesting, you put the gorilla head on the hurler (backwards), make him bend over and spin around 12 times with forehead on bat, THEN start pitching. It’s not like the Rockies’ bullpen could find the strike zone anyway, drunk, dizzy or spinning Mach 10 in a centrifuge.
That’s the problem with the Colorado organization. Not enough shame.
Like the state’s current liberal political leadership, there’s no consequences for bad behavior. If you go 0-for-611 in your last at bats, they should stop the game. The booth announcer calls out the number of a seat holder and the lucky fan gets to march onto the field and kick the batsman in the stomach. Real hard. Or, if an elderly and infirmed grandmama gets called, she can use an electric cattle prod, aimed at wherever she jolly well chooses.
This is, after all, Colorado. Cattle country, you know.
With a lust for the macabre, they still actually hawk 1899 Cleveland Spiders pro baseball gear. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have that old-timey vintage look and resembles more of a Marvel Comics Spiderman pajama top. If I may offer Colorado some unasked-for advice? If you Rockies’ fans break the 126-year-old MLB record for futility, don’t waste your money on some overpriced polyester jersey or jockstrap (to be worn on the outside).
Just spend your winter’s mourning period by going shirtless and smearing ashes, mud and doggie park presents on your torso.
This makes a more tear-out-your-entrails/poetic statement and, short of gorilla suits instead of regular uniforms, I’d watch more Rockies’ games, rooting for, of course, blue-state Colorado’s complete oblivion …
With more than 11,000 columns and 100-plus awards, Santa Clarita’s John Boston is the most prolific humorist/satirist in world history. Visit his bookstore online at johnlovesamerica.com/bookstore and support literature by buying stuff…
