By David Hegg
Except for those striving to live “off the grid” in the backwoods, we all live in community with at least hundreds of other humans. And therein lies one of the most significant challenges we face in life: getting along with other people!
The field of ethics is concerned with our core values and convictions as they relate to behavior. Since this column purports to explore the messy fields of ethical living, here are some thoughts on four essential tools for getting along. This is what I call “ethical one-anothering.”
Of course, this presupposes we want to both live in proximity with other people and do so in a way that benefits us all. Getting along with those around us, even those with whom we differ, has always been fundamental to every ordered society. For most of us, it started in the home, became more necessary when we entered school, and continues to be a skill in personal and professional relationships. So, if you need a refresher course in getting along, here you go.
A good starting point in relating to others is having reasonable expectations. We all realize you can’t expect a 4-year-old to do a good job filing your tax return. In this case, we consciously match the maturity level with our expectation of success. But too often, that is not the case in other relationships.
I have found that unreasonable expectations often lead to disappointment. This is especially true if my expectations, reasonable or not, go unexpressed. Have you ever been frustrated when someone fails to meet your expectations, only to remember you never expressed them? Here’s the deal: Unexpressed expectations are seldom met, and unmet expectations are often the stuff of conflict.
The idea of proper expression flows into No. 2, mature communication. Ask anyone about their personal and professional relationships, and the wise one will tell you communication is super important. But I want to clarify it and demand that communication be mature. Yelling is communication, but seldom is it helpful. Gossip, innuendo, mocking, lying and other expressions can be classified as communication, but they sure won’t help strengthen the relationship.
By mature communication, I mean the ability to speak honestly without using emotionally charged terms, overstatement, harmful exaggeration, or other verbal slings and arrows. It also means listening to what is being said and seeking first to understand, then to reply.
The third tool for maintaining good relationships is respectful restraint. This might be our best defensive weapon in the “ethical one-anothering” game. It just means having enough respect for your fellow men and women, not jumping to negative conclusions, not believing gossip and rumors, and not allowing anger and spite to rise in your heart until you have all the facts. Don’t be so quick to go negative, and don’t give audience to those around you who feed on chaos and the trials and failures of others.
However, even when expectations are reasonable and known, communication operates at a beneficial level, and we show reasonable restraint, we can hurt one another. This brings us to the fourth essential: authentic forgiveness.
You notice once again that I prefer to qualify the term here. Forgiveness has fallen on hard times. It is too often verbalized without being internalized. We say, “You’re forgiven,” but we carefully horde a significant amount of bitterness because we are mad.
Bitterness is the residue of wrongs suffered that we store up in order to feel good about acting badly. We assume we deserve to act out and stubbornly refuse any attempt to re-establish a relationship. We put people into boxes from which there is no escape, and we do it so often that we need a spreadsheet to remember who we can still call a friend.
Authentic forgiveness tears up the spreadsheet and alleviates the need to store up bitterness. It is also fueled by the fact that we all will need piles of forgiveness.
Can we all just get along? Probably not as long as we live in a broken world, with broken people like you and me. We are naturally predisposed to selfishness, anger, reprisal and isolation. But we are also predisposed to live in community, in relationships whose harmony increases the beauty of life itself.
So, it is worth the effort to be a “low maintenance friend,” a person who is faithful to listen, love, learn and forgive, to surround yourself with those who can live life with you, regardless of the bumps in the road. They are called friends; we all need as many good ones as possible.
Local resident David Hegg is senior pastor of Grace Baptist Church. “Ethically Speaking” appears Sundays.
