It’s the year 2121. Despite a national referendum unanimously against, we went metric acres ago. We just had our first election in a century and Joe Biden was re-elected president. Unanimously. Joe’s first executive order? Go door-to-door. Scour the SCV and find Bob, America’s last suspected COVID carrier.
Liberals warned us. Because of the Jan. 6, 2021 protest in our nation’s capital, it was too dangerous to venture outside, let alone hold an election. The Left claimed The D.C. Riots (good band name!) was responsible for more deaths than the Mongol Invasions of 1206. Or, as modern history books describe: “The Persons of Mongolian/Manchurian Grasslands Heritage Protests Against Systemic Racism!” The exclamation point is theirs, not mine.
Democrats claimed that during the misdemeanor trespassing more casualties resulted than in the Black Plague, World War II, the August 2021 Manchester United vs. expansion league Piccadilly Creampuffs Soccer Riots where everyone in Great Britain was killed, the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs and that Hatfield-McCoy Gomer Thing of 1863-1891.
President Biden noted: “The No. 1 danger facing America today is Bob, that last unvaccinated Republican who’s carrying COVID-19/V-986.2.”
Apparently, Bob lives in Canyon Country, which, today, is a state. Like West Virginia.
A few remaining conspiracy theorists note that Joe hasn’t been seen since winter 2021 (when he had dinner with Hillary) and wonder if someone else has been running America. Unnamed White House sources assured that the president is in top physical shape and can “…still sniff hair conditioner 3 miles away.”
President Biden (or possibly, a hand puppet with a high-pitched squeaky voice appearing behind a sheet lit by a candle) announced that Our Government will go SCV door-pounding, starting 3 a.m. tomorrow, to find “Citizen U.B.”
The president calmed the nation, noting that just because he was screaming hysterically, there was no need to panic. Help was on the way.
“I’m sending our newest heavily armed branch of government to the SCV,” said Biden. “The Department of Homeland Real Nice Kind Caring Public Safety People, formerly known as Santa Clarita Human Relations Roundtable & Militia, will maintain order.”
After grinning for three minutes, Mr. Biden used the opportunity to plug his son Hunter’s newest venture: hand-made clay ashtrays. Biden noted those wishing to avoid household and body cavity searches “… can buy one of Hunter’s ashtrays and possibly some U.S. nuclear submarine missile launch codes for ridiculously low prices — IF — they act fast!!” Biden urged Santa Clarita to view this “not as a law, but rather, a tax” and “what kind of pond scum doesn’t pay their taxes?”
Several local smarty-mouthed Presbyterians were also rounded up at bayonet-point as a “teachable moment” to apologize for pointing out that the president’s son had more illegitimate children than a professional sports league.
“Cripes ham sandwich with the meat on the outside, people!!” shouted the president, switching to a conspiratorial whisper. “It’s not like they’re convenience store clerks from up Soledad. These people have uniforms!”
A spokesman from The Department of Homeland Real Nice Kind Caring Public Safety People, formerly known as Santa Clarita Human Relations Roundtable & Militia, later “clarified” that SCV residents shouldn’t worry because the uniforms were “a soothing avocado green and that the colors were chosen to represent the end of Mother Nature Her/Itself and the color of the blood that courses through haters.”
A local reporter, whose opinions and questions do not necessarily mirror the views of this newspaper, asked if these “some people” were the same color as George Washington, Lucille Ball and vanilla ice cream. The newsman’s query was met by clawed hands and hissing by the Roundtable/Militia spokesman.
The spokesman added that local SCVianites shouldn’t worry about the door-to-door health agents’ lethal Truth Cattle Prods nor their menacing attack dogs. With a chuckle, the PR flak corrected that the canines were “emotional support animals” and “as friendly as President Biden’s personal German shepherds, affectionately known around the White House as Killer No. 948 and Throat Shredder.”
A Federal Councilbeing of SCV of the Enlightened then stepped to the podium, asking residents to be on the lookout for America’s last holdout right here in our SCV backyard.
“All we know is the guy’s name is Bob,” said the member.
Residents were also ordered to take the next round of injections for COVID-19/V-986.3 and “not whine while queuing up.” The government warned that not only had Bob NOT taken any COVID tests, he hadn’t even studied for them.
Former Health Czar Dr. Anthony Fauci also spoke to SCVians, promising a $600-a-week-for-life reward for turning in Bob, or anyone named Bob.
“People named Bob are also spreading Hysterical Blindness, Smiling Out of Context, Cooties, Racial Tension, Fertility and DDD Syndrome (Drooling During Dating).”
Fauci also noted SCVians shouldn’t be alarmed by feds, who will be wandering door-to-door, sterilizing Jews, Christians, Mormons, Muslims, Protestants and the SCV Lactose Intolerant League.
“What the hell’s wrong with a person who won’t drink milk!?!?” asked an angry Fauci, who added: “Sterilization is science, which no one can argue with, not even a robot.”
As for the crudely painted big, red X’s mysteriously popping up on people’s front doors?
No worries. “The ‘X’ stands for the ‘eXcellent’ job you’re doing!” said Fauci “of being that wonderfully, compliant — YOU…”
John Boston is a local writer. Who has had his shots. And, just in case, YOUR shots, too…