So I’m not remotely supposed to be composing shameless plugs for businesses. It’s tres Hunter Biden. But, there’s this wonderful new law firm in town, W.D.D.&S. Spelled out, that’s — Winethem, Dinem, Dickham & Soo-Hem.
W.D.D.&S. is the new SCV boutique law office that specializes in gigantor class action suits against Liberals, Social Justice Warriors, the Woke, Indian-hating school board trustees, left-wing shamers, cancel culture knuckleheads, Critical Race Theorists, and other faux intellectuals. Have you caught W.D.D.&S’s highly entertaining late-night commercials on local cable access?
The spot fades up from black to a stately SCV oak tree, with Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” thundering in the background, followed by the unmistakable sickening swoosh and thud of a guillotine. William Winethem, one of the partners, has tall, black hair with white werewolf sideburns and wears an expensive blue suit.
“Willie Winethem here!” the law dog says, pointing emphatically at the TV camera. “Have you been sexually abused, violated, pinched, groped, terrorized, had your property stolen or have been unlawfully probed without so much as a kiss, movie or lobster dinner by a liberal lawmaker, bureaucrat, ‘activist’ or sniveling socialist intern named Verga?”
Winethem, whose finger is still awkwardly pointing toward the camera, straightens and folds his arms.
“Then YOU could be entitled to a big darn fortune!!” he suggests. “Isn’t that true — Debbie?”
Winethem looks off-camera to his right. We speed-pan to young attorney Debbie Dinem, beautiful save for the bags under her eyes indicating she hasn’t slept since Cheech & Chong were en vogue.
“Debbie Dinem and I want to talk to YOU — right now!!” She gestures magnanimously to a scrolling TV graphic with the phone number at the bottom of her tight grey flannel skirt. “For years, liberals have been screwing up everything they touch. They scream ‘Environment!’ and cause giant wildfires with a forest management program designed by Satan. Throw a rock at a Motel 6 window and you’ll see the bouncing heinie of a progressive politician being fruitful and multiplying with everything from goats to interns. Clinton. Weiner. Kennedy. Cuomo. Conyers. Epstein. Weinstein. Spitzer. Katie Hill. Add county D.A. Gascón and Gavin Newsom. The list is endless. You don’t have to be a direct victim of liberal atrocities to be entitled to serious compensation. Isn’t that correct — Ricardo?”
Debbie smiles and glances to her right. The camera dissolves to another law partner.
“Hello people. Ricardo Dickham here and my partner Debbie’s spot on!” In Hawaiian shirt, swim trunks and sandals, Dickham is the surfer of the firm. He’s at the beach.
“Liberals. They love humanity, but hate humans,” the attorney with the sun-bleached hair notes. “Are you tired of your hard-earned money going to endless recall elections, sting operations and corruption investigations that lead to taps on the Liberal Wrist? Tired of stepping in homeless poop? Folks. You’re ENTITLED to a settlement — and then some. Hey! Catch, Sheng!” The surfing attorney flips a Frisbee offscreen. We cut to attorney Sheng Soo-Hem, who is leaning on his desk. He deftly catches the Frisbee.
“While there’s no frozen Arctic floes where you are in Ventura, I’d say that’s just the tip of — THE ICEBERG — Ricardo!” The barrister tilts his head back and laughs. The fourth law partner is in a snappy grey flannel three-piece suit. With belt AND suspenders. Why? Because Sheng comes prepared.
We cut to a screen split, a la Zoom, each housing an attorney. The four snap fingers and, miraculously, the commercial cuts to the parking lot of their tony Valencia office complex. The attorneys stand together. “We promise that you are entitled to significant compensation for years of putting up with humorless, hateful, self-righteous, thieving, cheating, incompetent and chronically dishonest liberals,” says law partner Winethem.
“Don’t forget yangy,” interjects Ricardo, tossing back his shoulder-length, sun-bleached hair.
“And tedious,” adds Debbie.
“And big fat buttheads,” interjects Sheng. “That, alone, in the categories of pain and suffering and mental anguish is worth something!” All four lawyers laugh.
“Just what kind of humongous settlement are we talking about here?” asks Winethem of the viewing audience.
An exotic sports car appears on the screen.
“Enough to buy a $2.5 million Bugatti?” asks Debbie Dinem.
“Much more than that, Ms. Dinem,” answers Winethem.
“Enough to purchase that dream home, Willie?” asks the surfing attorney Ricardo. A sprawling beachfront mansion appears on the screen.
“Something a thousand times more valuable, friend Ricardo.”
Another image appears on the TV screen. It’s glittering Las Vegas. The head law partner Winethem playfully chides the symbol of endless adult play and self-indulgence.
“The priceless compensation we’re promising?” asks Winethem. “It’s the satisfaction of taking back our own version of the Garden of Eden, the Santa Clarita Valley.”
“It’s reclaiming our vibrant Los Angeles County and beautiful California,” adds attorney Dinem, “the once shining jewels that have slid into vulgar decay and wickedness.”
“Your compensation?” asks Ricardo. “It’s America, that divine and special nation, founded not on hate, guilt, lies, endless shaming and tyranny, but on invisible treasures of the soul — individual responsibility, freedom and prosperity.”
The camera closes in on Sheng.
“Your compensation is to grow up, to wrest this miracle and holy experiment of a divine, magical America from the grip of a hateful small group of power-mad liberal egoists whose daily, living prayer is to burn and destroy all that we’ve built, all that we hope to become,” explains the lawyer Sheng.
The four lawyers dissolve. The familiar Santa Clarita oak tree appears, along with this TV crawl message:
“Seeking Compensation? Get up off your big, fat, disinterested, sofa-pillow-molded butts. Fight Liberal Insanity. Actively. Publicly. Don’t tweet. Don’t Facebook post. Don’t write a snarky letter to the editor and smugly reflect: ‘Boy. I guess I told THEM! Volunteer. Actively DO something to save your town, county, state and nation.”
John Boston is a local writer, the most prolific satirist in world history.
