This letter was written before Chinese President Xi Jinping’s visit to San Francisco in November.
I would like to give you a potential preview of the meeting between Gov. Gavin Newsom and Chinese President Xi Jinping at this week’s Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit in San Francisco. Newsom is waiting in a bright red Tesla outside of Xi’s hotel.
Driver: Remember, Biden wants you to ask him about Chinese production of fentanyl, the origins of COVID, and that spy balloon.
Newsom: I’m all over it. (Xi enters Tesla)
Xi: I thought I was riding with President Biden.
Newsom: Well, Joe is not a morning person (to himself) or an afternoon person.
Xi: This is fine. I can’t understand a word he says anyway. In China we would have put him out to pasture long ago.
Newsom: Are you suggesting that I should run for president in 2024? (To himself) Ha, ha, ha.
Xi: Confucius says, “If the shoe fits, wear it” … or something like that. By the way, you have great hair. What product do you use?
Newsom: I use Paul Mitchell X-15 for a fuller, richer look.
Xi: I believe that is made in China, like all great products.
Newsom: (Runs his fingers through his hair) Before I forget, let me officially welcome you to the People’s Republic of California.
Xi: Thank you, Gov. Newsom. Can I call you Gavin?
Newsom: You can call me Comrade Newsom …that’s what they call me in the city by the Bay.
Xi: You really know how to make a guy feel at home. (Looking out window) I don’t see any homeless people on the streets. Where have they gone?
Newsom: We have to throw a bone to the Republicans so they have something to complain about. We pay actors to live on the streets and act out homelessness. For your visit, we gave them the week off.
Xi: Confucius says, “Even a blind squirrel can find an acorn” … or something like that. I understand you have one-party rule in the People’s Republic of California.
Newsom: Yes, Comrade Xi, we are very proud of that. Your government is our model. I have ultimate control over all 40 million people. When COVID came — not blaming you — I closed down the entire state. It was a thing of beauty.
Xi: Comrade Newsom, Confucius says, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” … or something like that.
They continue their car tour of the Bay Area. As they cross the Golden Gate Bridge, Comrade Newsom explains the symbolic significance of its RED color. When they see Alcatraz in the distance, Comrade Newsom tells Xi that it was used as a prison for political reassignment. After several hours of chumming it up, they return to Xi’s hotel.
Xi: Comrade Newsom, I can’t thank you enough for your enlightening tour of your beautiful city. I see great potential.
Newsom: Don’t get too settled in. I’ve booked a hot air balloon excursion over Napa for you.