JOHN BOSTON NATIONAL NEWS SERVICES — In a major upheaval of the three branches of federal government, a lone dog catcher in Santa Clarita, a yuppie enclave on the outskirts of L.A., has filed suit against Donald Trump.
Yalsup T. Boan’ewe, a janitor/cage cleaner at the Castaic Animal Shelter, has launched a massive, 1.3-million page injunction, hand-written, single-spaced, halting everything the Trump Administration has initiated since inauguration. This includes a staggering eight-figure staff pay raise for the doggie pound just north of the city of Santa Clarita.
“Although I don’t have one, it’s tough raising a family on just $91,000, part-time, Lysoling poopy cages of COVID and rabies,” said Boan’ewe. “Tune-ups on a Mercedes SUV ain’t exactly spare change.”
The feral pet corraler drew his inspiration from the hundreds of low-level “justices of the peaces” with the 14-inch foreheads who have successfully stymied any action by not just the executive branch of government, but Congress and the Supreme Court as well.
“I am king,” said Boan’ewe. “My word, actually, ‘words,’ are law.”
Boan’ewe, a 57-year-old animal maintenance engineer, lives rent-free in a deluxe triple-wide in the Angeles National Forest with his wife Shirley Jean. Shirley Jean is actually a blow-up doll, receiving 29 monthly Social Security checks, food stamps, Workman’s Comp and a sizeable oil depletion allowance. Boan’ewe said he always had trouble with the phrase, “… my word is law.”
“I mean, what the heck can you do with an edict that simply includes just one measly word, like, ‘the’ or ‘sirloin,’” asked Boan’ewe. “It tends to leave people confused, looking around and asking, ‘Yeah. Well. Now what?’”
The Castaic dog catcher’s injunction effectively stopped the president from cleansing out the cancerous corruption oozing from the bowels of the federal bureaucracy, aka, liberals. Payments in the trillions were paid to NGOs (Non-Government Organizations). These would include Federal Driving Instructors/Preschool Instructors Who Practice Human Sacrifice, Accountants Who Smile Out of Context, Ballroom Dancing Classes for the Sexually Ambivalent in Zambia, the Cleveland Spiders (MLB team with the worst season in history — 20-134; went defunct in 1899 but are still getting $3.2 billion in federal grant money) and the After School Lunch Program, which was all going to one really chubby kid in Georgia.
The injunction was upheld by Supreme Court Justice John Roberts, who fell all the way down the SC steps 20 minutes after being sworn in in 2005. Roberts indicated he was leaning on upholding the dog catcher’s ban on the basis of, “… numbers are racist,” meaning that all decisions must be pre-ratified by canine capturer Boan’ewe. Border security, taxation, the Navy, ordering flags, the State of the Union speech (now to be delivered in baby talk), foreign aid, treaties — all directives from 1789 to present — are now all null and void and must be ratified by the Castaic Animal Shelter. Or, just by a nod of the head or not from one man in a soiled beige Maytag repairman jumpsuit.
When asked if this might set a dangerous precedent, Boan’ewe offered an ominous pause. “Well. Heck. Sure. I’m guessing that dog catching jurisdictions all over America might be tempted to wield this powerful veto. Like the historical record of Congress, this could gridlock government for decades. Which now would be a moot point in that one civil servant 10 million levels below the lowest rank of public service, and his drinking buddies, could either ignore any legislation or directive, or, for that matter, declare nuclear war and hide out in that Colorado bunker with a million years of beer and gourmet frozen pizza.”
This move also deems that any federal elevator inspectors, fish hatchery DEI officer, regional chemical toilet installers and teachers’ union rep can now veto a retaliatory military strike against North Korea. Worse, animal shelters in other jurisdictions could counter-sue, claiming that their kennel districts are more powerful than the other guy’s kennel districts.
“Worst-case scenario?” Boan’ewe offered, “We could bring back jousting or feats of strength, maybe who knows. Inter-district dog fighting.”
Boan’ewe paused and squinted, directing an obvious hostile reaction to the line of questioning. He took an impressive swig from a gallon bottle of Castaic moonshine, yelled at a caged dog to, “SHUT UP!!” and threw a set of channel locks at the dog.
The now most-powerful man on Earth stared deep into the eyes of our John Boston National News Services correspondent’s eyes and noted: “Frankly? I don’t like your tone, little mister …”
“Ms.,” said our reporter.
“You don’t look it …”
Boan’ewe indicated that all the decades of obscene pork barrel graft stolen from the American people by the federal government not only must be repaid to civil servants and bottom-feeding consultants and secret consultants, but tripled, with mandatory life prison sentences for people who voted for Trump.
“And, bonus, for the tens of millions of federal workers and contractors?” said Boan’ewe. “They’ll get overtime for everything from time spent sleeping, yawning and playing online love that knows no name fantasy MLB league.”
Castaic pet bounty hunter Boan’ewe’s dogfare doesn’t end in government, unasked-for social engineering and politics. “We’re going to march into your home and tell you what food you can eat, how to get to where you’re going — or not — and who or what you shall marry. Heck. First thing? We’ll outlaw pets. And those nauseating kitten memes on Facebook. We’ll have a National Firebomb a Tesla With Your Infant Still In it. And, we declare at least two members of every town council and school trustees across America will be Tren de Aragua Venezuelan gang members.”
Boan’ewe reached for his 19th government-paid Coke of the day, plopped his feet up on the desk to take another nap and noted: “As the villain Captain Red Legs at the end of Clint Eastwood’s classic Western, ‘The Outlaw Josey Wales,’ sneeringly noted … doin’ right ain’t got no end …”
With more than 11,000 columns and 100-plus awards, Santa Clarita’s John Boston is the most prolific humorist/satirist in world history. Visit his bookstore online at johnlovesamerica.com/bookstore.
