In a hastily called press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced that the first order of business the Democratic-led House will tackle in 2019 is giving the vote to 6-year-olds.
“As you all know, I love kids,” said Mrs. Pelosi. “I had two for breakfast. For too long, little children have been shut out of the democratic process by Republicans.”
In a move designed to not confuse post-toddlers (and millennials), instead of assigning a traditional House Resolution (HR) number, Mrs. Pelosi is labeling her pending legislation as “H.R. THIS Many!”
“I know one of the most pressing problems facing America today are children, mostly white children of privilege, congregating on people’s lawns,” said the 417-year-old Democrat from San Francisco. “Personally my servants grow weary of marching outside with brooms and yelling: ‘Missus says you gotta get off her lawn!!’ With HR-THIS Many! we will help young people learn respect for other people’s gated property. I’m not sure how, but, after we pass it, you’ll see how well it works!”
Obviously, Republicans see this as a transparent ploy to swell liberal voting numbers, adding easily distracted Grades 1-Post Graduate to the ranks of the Democratic base of people who yell “WOOOO!” a lot, crooks, drug addicts, convicts, actors, the easily confused, afternoon TV addicts, illegal aliens and, of course, the powerful teachers’ unions.
One section of the bill is called “The Loving Assumption.” Opponents call it Obamacare on meth, Drano and steroids.
“Everyone knows we must assume all teachers are liberal,” reasoned Mrs. Pelosi. “Not wanting to disrespect their teachers nor hurt their feelings, all young children will therefore vote Democrat. So what’s the point to even ask them to go through the tedious process of voting? We just count the number of students and multiply by three to play it safe. The Loving Assumption will save hundreds of millions in polling expenses every two years and tens of trillions of dollars in lost man-hours people waste voting, or, in this case, lost child-hours. It’s a no-brainer. I know, because I thought of it.”
Mrs. Pelosi’s legislation also carries a rider, making it a federal crime, punishable by life in prison, to refer to her as “Dracula’s sister.”
The nation’s leading liberal legal minds felt the bill would be safe from any constitutional challenges at a Supreme Court level. Local ACLU attorney and porn addict, Hugh Manatee, pointed out any effort to block the 6-Year-Old Vote bill will be ultimately defeated by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg (Communist; Bronze Age). Mrs. Ginsburg, who is suffers from split personalities, sees herself as counting as six votes, easily enough to overturn any majority from the right-leaning Supe bench.
When asked for a quote on her preemptive stances, Mrs. G, who is recuperating from broken ribs, said, “Can’t … breathe…”
Lobbyists for the multi-billion-dollar helium balloon business said if passed, their ozone-depleting “party favors will go the way of the dinosaur(s).”
“Essentially, what the Democrats are talking about is getting rid of the campaign poster industry, which includes confetti, those stupid-looking Styrofoam fake straw hats, campaign buttons, bumper stickers, kazoos and our beloved last-minute mailed campaign fliers and unethical hit pieces,” said industry spokesman, Jenny Saiqwa. “What’s next? Outlawing condoms, prostitutes and the billion-dollar industry of useless political hacks, consultants and bedpan emptiers?”
Dr. Molly Kule, Director of the F.B.E.L. No. 187 (Federal Bedpan Emptiers Local No. 187) quickly issued a clarification paper, pointing out that chamber pot engineers were now a federal agency, unionized and with an ironclad contract keeping their jobs safe from any malfeasance up to and including cannibalism.
Former Socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders (Idiot; Vermont) offered his generic position stance on all issues: “I made widdle.”
Critics of Mrs. Pelosi question the timing of the legislation, accusing her of distracting attention from her upcoming indictment. The possible next House speaker faces charges stemming from an 1857 incident of not only trying to poison Snow White, but also hiring a woodsman to acquire her liver and lungs.
The San Francisco liberal offered her written response:
Sure I poisoned Snow.
So whadya think’s gonna happen next? I’m going to impeach myself?
I’d cackle, but it irritates my throat.
Nancy “No-Pantsy” Pelosi
Mrs. Pelosi was quick to deflect ethical and constitutional quagmires and hurl them back against Republicans.
“Dilemmas. De-llamas. What. Ever. This is the GOP showing their true colors of hatred and prejudice,” said Mrs. Pelosi. “What kind of people would want to deprive cute, adorable, lovable little children of their God-given right to vote? To dance? Explore? Be silly? To learn, to wonder? What’s next? Will the Republicans want to kill babies while they’re still warm and safe inside the womb?”
At this point in the press conference, an aide to Mrs. Pelosi whispered in the congresswoman’s ear as she cupped her hand over the microphone.
“Uh, I, uh — sorry,” clarified perhaps the next House Speaker. “I’ve just been reminded. We’re the party that likes to kill babies warm and safe inside the womb.”
John Boston is a local writer and, safe money says, probably not a Democrat.